There’s a lot of opinion out there on how difficult it is to parent a teen, and how communication with them is such a challenge. Neither is inherently true, although that can certainly be the experience of a parent who is not feeling equipped to guide a teen through their coming-of-age years.
The same basic principles for having healthy and meaningful communication with a partner apply to children of all ages. The principles are only altered by the stage of development the child is experiencing. People lose empathy for their teens when communication breaks down because the parent has forgotten what the coming-of-age time is about and what they needed at that age.
Teens want and need certain things from their parents:
1) Respect - which means courteous and considerate treatment. Considerate means to think about the needs of the person in front of you and meet them if at all possible. Courteous means you treat the child with esteem and politeness. There is a belief in parenting that the child should respect the elder and not the other way around. We earn respect from one another just as we earn trust. When we respect our teens, their boundaries, their feelings, and their truths, we teach them how to hold themselves in other relationships. We teach them how they should be treated. Examples include: not interrupting them or arguing with them, not diminishing their feelings, exploring with them the pros and cons of things rather than shooting down their dreams, letting them choose when to have difficult conversations, stopping conversations when you feel too upset to continue respectfully, and allowing them privacy and dignity.
2) Freedom- developmentally, teens need to experience freedom in safe ways or they will take it for themselves in dangerous ways. This must start earlier than the teen years - giving a child choices and allowing them to experience the natural consequences (when not life threatening) is essential for helping a child learn cause and effect. There are loads of books written by developmental experts on what age-appropriate freedom and responsibility is. Follow those guidelines and also tweak for your child’s emotional and intellectual maturity. Increase freedom gradually, not suddenly, or they may feel thrust into it rather than encouraged into it.
3) Compassion - the emotional ups and downs of being a teen can be constant. They are navigating crushes and love for the first time, life changes like going to college and first jobs, their first dreams of becoming something or somebody, sexuality and gender concerns, and friend dynamics with betrayals, rejections, and disappointments. The last thing a teen needs is for us as parents to trivialize their pain or rationalize it away with “here’s how to fix this.” None of us like when people do that to us now, so why would we do this to our teens? Sit with them in their pain and WAIT for them to ask for help. Often they will know what they need if you have been helping them all along to tune in to their inner wisdom. If not, help them begin to do that now. Let them know that if they are stuck, you have been through similar things and may have some ideas, but don’t jump in and rescue. Part of the great thing about being a teen is that they can figure things out while still being under the protection of a parent. You are there if needed but not as a first line of response. That’s what is appropriate for a baby or a toddler, not for a teen.
4) Permission to be themselves without judgement- teens are navigating the complex world of developing a sense of identity that is increasingly untethered from the identity of the parents and the family system. They may need to be really different in order to explore who they are, and they may need to stay similar if they have been programmed that it’s not safe to be different. Offer them opportunities to explore who they are as different from you. Respond neutrally when they push away from who you are- don’t take it personally and be curious. Imagine that you are meeting someone from another culture instead of being betrayed by your child. See your teen as their own person with needs and dreams that are unique, and be excited and curious about who they are becoming. When you do that, the teen feels respected, seen, allowed to change and explore, and that creates the safety and open communication that is needed.
5) To see their parents as human- instead of maintaining a rosy image of you as perfect mother or perfect father, let your teen see you taking care of yourself, going to therapy, facing the hard truths, being honest with them, feeling things. Do all of this WITHOUT making them responsible for any of it. The easiest way to do this is to say “I don’t need you to take care of me, I’ve got this, I’ve got a therapist for this, etc, but I want you to know that I feel sad, ashamed, guilty, mad, etc and I’m working through this with help.” Teens benefit greatly from being modeled a realistic human experience- ups and downs and all that life involves. But it’s important to keep that contained so that they don’t feel responsible for you or that their emotional experience has no space to be expressed.
6) Safety- teens need to be educated in non-fearful, non-judgemental ways about the potential risks of certain behaviors including drinking, drugs, driving, being online, walking alone or being alone in public, and relationship dynamics. They need us to be paying attention and conscious of what kinds of things they are experiencing and to be asking gently about them. They feel safe when we ask about these things, and do so repeatedly without being invasive. If they need to tell us something they’ve done wrong, the way we react will be HUGE for creating a sense of safety moving forward. We must learn how to control our reactions. Save the ranting and tears for a later moment with your partner or therapist. What teens need to know when they get into trouble is that a) they are ok and loved, b) the problem will be worked through, and c) that you are a team and that no matter what you’ve got their backs. If you feel disappointed in them, keep it to yourself at least until the crisis has been worked through. That will stay in their minds for a lifetime.
7) For YOU to do your own healing- most of the time when I work with teens, they are being scapegoated for the family’s emotional dynamics. In truth, most of the time the parents have created the environment into which the issues of the child have been born. The teens who have the healthiest expression of feelings and thoughts have parents who are invested in their own ongoing self-exploration. I love when a parent calls me and books an appointment for themselves first, and then gets the teen in. It’s usually a red flag when the parent is booking in the teen and doesn’t have some kind of ongoing therapy for themselves. Teens are not the problem, and their behavior is almost always just a symptom of a sickness in the family of origin.
I have helped raise one teen, am raising another, and have worked with teens professionally for 20 years, and these basic principles have helped me have really beautiful trust-filled relationships along the way. Teens tell me things they can’t tell their parents, mostly because of reactions and judgements their parents have had. Because I am aware of the above dynamics, we can get a lot of good work done together in the therapy space.
If you or your teen needs support, please consider reaching out!
(this photo is taken with permission of my daughter)
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