1) You have a recognition that something feels off, disharmonious, unpleasant, and are usually blaming yourself in some way for the dynamic. There must be a strong desire to change things in order to move to steps 2 and 3, because it’s much easier to let things be as they are.
2) You shift to blaming the other, have confrontations, conflict, and try to “figure it out” intellectually. Trying to “fix” the other is the predominant feature of this step.
3) You begin some kind of therapy process or self-exploration process
- blame continues, blame may transfer to yourself or stay with the other depending on inner tendencies or patterns
- taking space as needed
- feeling all the feelings
- noticing the many ways this relationship provokes you or brings things up from the past
- feeling disgust for this person
- noticing how this person is reflecting some aspect of your own personality that you dislike
- working through how the nervous system has been affected by (or how it presents within) the relationship dynamic
(You will repeat steps 1-3 until you can let go of your beliefs enough to move onto step 4)
4) You begin to be able to see and accept the good, bad, and ugly in this person. All of it together. You no longer idolize nor demonize the person.
5) You begin to be able to see and accept the dynamic or conflict symbolized by the relationship within yourself and within the greater collective.
6) You start learning about and appreciating how this person contributes to the whole.
7) You become more and more observant while in the relationship. You are no longer reactive. You allow the other person to simply be themselves. You remove your physical body as needed from the interactions. (Do not confuse this with the phases in steps 1-3 which usually involve dissociation, numbness, or shutting down. They are very different.)
8) You remain present and mostly in a loving energy while being with them. You don’t see them as a source of pain or suffering any longer.
9) The other person becomes simply a symbol for you, an extension of your own self. You are comfortable with that and do not perceive any separateness or “otherness” about them. You see them as an integrated part of the Self.
(image: Alchemical Wedding by Emily Balivet)
